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My friend and I matched on Tinder. Now what?

Love Letters

Love Letters

Q. I have/had a crush on a friend of mine who is in the same friend group as me. We hang out often in group settings but have never really spent time together one on one. However, we talk and have a lot of fun banter when we do hang out.

Recently, he has started seeing this woman, but never brings her around — and rarely mentions her when I’m around specifically. Also, he recently matched with me on Tinder and made a funny comment on one of my pictures — and I don’t know why he is on Tinder if he is seeing someone.


I still have feelings for him. I don’t know if I’m being delusional, and I definitely don’t ever want to be the other woman. I don’t know … maybe I don’t have a question. I guess I just don’t know where to go from here. Should I talk to him about it?


A. Yes. Talk to him.

Before you make a bunch of assumptions about his relationship status and his feelings about you, ask him some questions.

As in, “Did you match with me on Tinder because you’re interested? Are you exclusive with the woman you’re dating (and if so, why are you on Tinder?)”

Be honest with him about your feelings. Say, “I was sort of hoping we’d go on a date one day.” It’s not a big announcement, just a small truth. If it’s not in the cards, that’s fine. I love a casual “I have a crush on you” disclosure. It’s flattering, flirty, involves no big promises, and sometimes plants a seed for something great. If nothing comes of it, it’s easy to move on.

This is a benefit of saying something early. It’s not unrequited love or longing … yet. Just a crush. No big deal.


I do hope his activity on Tinder means that he and this woman are both still seeing other people. It wouldn’t be fun to date someone you don’t trust. That one question about exclusivity is important. If he shrugs it off like it’s not relevant, that tells you plenty.



It’s worth a shot to talk to him. The Tinder match could be an opening. (Full disclosure: I don’t know how Tinder matches get made.) Say, “Hey, we should go on a date since we matched on Tinder.” His reaction should tell you how he feels. If it seems encouraging say, “I’m free Saturday.” If he doesn’t follow through drop it forever — you’re in the friend zone.


The suffocating cult of the “friend group.” Sweating over upsetting the dynamics of the “friend group” but … the inevitable “crush” in the “friend group.” The usual search for (Victorian Era) hints as to mutual affection — he saw my “ankle”; I dropped my handkerchief and he picked it up; he inquired if I was attending the Easter Parade; I saw him talking to my cousin after church; he is not officially engaged to be married.


Please don’t say, “I was sort of hoping we’d go on a date one day.“ If it works out you can divulge that. Meredith might think it’s flattering and “flirty” (please don’t use that word either) but it’s only flattering and “flirty” if the other person is really interested in you. Otherwise it will land with an awkward thump and make the other person uncomfortable.



Right that IS a bit of an awkward position to put someone in if they are not interested. But maybe she could do SOMETHING to take a next step, stand close to him and make more conversation than usual at their next get together? Say something like “I am going to go to XYZ next Saturday ... see you there if you decide to go” as she is leaving the latest friend activity, so he doesn’t have to commit at the time if he doesn’t want to but he gets the hint.


If you’re matched on Tinder still, send him a message on the app, “so are we going out this Saturday?” and then go from there. The rest can be figured out. Plant the seed, be casual about it.


Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.